♥ The way you look at me.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

What's your rationale? Sometimes you just have to make decision

Having the urge to blog. i know i am supposed to be doing my individual assignment, but, i just want to take a break.=)

sometimes running away from something you really love a lot is not easy. as for me, i have been trying to run away from cheer for the past one sem. trying to shut myself off and hate cheer, but i realised i ended up feeling so terrible and missing it so much. missing the opportunities to cheer. missing the resources and chances given to me. i guess it is part of human nature, you just cant stop wanting and expecting for more rather than cherish what is in front of you. thus, when we start losing it, we then realised how dearly we should have hold on to them initially. struggling with myself for the past few months is not easy. trying to find a new hobby like ballet didnt work out. coming up with a lot of excuses for myself didnt work either. and after i left cheer, i then realised how lonely i actually is.

sometimes, i really feel very down and lonely. just like what i have read online, facebook and networking sites are a source to make you feel jealous and down. i do feel it sometimes, but i will tell myself to appreciate and be contented to what i have. this way i will feel happier.

after learning social work for so long, self-awareness makes me understand more about myself. i know the past me have not been a wonderful one, and i have faced a lot of consequences because of that, because of my greediness and never be contented with what i have. instead of mourning the past, i decided to become a better person. everyone of us have unique experiences which made us who we are now. so what we can do is to learn from them and never repeat the mistakes we have made.

being together 15 mths plus, xy told me that i am more positive and cheerful as compared to last time. i am really really thankful for him, to always be by my side. i will cherish him and am not going to repeat the same mistakes 2 yrs ago. to someone once special to me: thank you for the past two yrs. it has been more than 2 yrs since you left. i know that you are living well with your current gf now, and i am very happy for you, sincerely deep down from my heart. sorry for not cherishing our rs and have taken you for granted. thanks for the two yrs which make me grow a lot, and teach me to cherish the things and people ard. even though you are not my first bf, but i feel that you are my first love simply because the rs is one which is deeply etched in my heart and i have never forget even though ive tried to. being said that, i have moved on too. and i have found my missing half.=) im glad that we have both found our own parachutes.=) and yup, this time round, i will be thankful and cherish him.

time flies, i am in my most probably last sem of uni (if im not taking honors). and i decided to make a decision and to face my inner self, as in what i really wanted. i have decided to join back alpha and complete my journey with cheer. i know many people may doubt or question my intentions, but i guess i dont really have to answer them. and for my close frens, i really hope that you all will understand my decisions and support me. i will really appreciate it.

*you gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul*

*tata

♥its going on 4:42:00 PM

Saturday, November 3, 2012

What's your rationale? The courage to give up, goodbye!

After a whole year of not blogging i suddenly have the urge to blog. this blog is so dead already so it's ok for me to just blog since there will be no other viewer other than myself.

It is just so disappointing that how things turned out. It is wrong to be nice? because people around me is feeling sad, janyce is feeling sad, so what i want to do is actually for her. i have been one of the limelight in alpha because of all the stunts that people want to try with me, so it doesnt really affect me at all. i questioned myself, why must i want to help others? why am i trying to be nice and wanting the world to change to a better one, then when i try to change, everything just backfired. and now i became the person whom everybody hated. the trouble maker. people are just gonna to judge me and label me. things will not be the same anymore. what happened to alpha love? so this is what i deserved?

Just disappointed more than anger i guess. why must weiting always be the one making things big?! why do you have to twig the story when you dont know what the whole issue is? and now it has became we jealous that alice is 39kg and that all the bases are stunting with her instead of us, but in actual fact, our intention is never this. we just want the bases to appreciate all other flyers as well because i believe all of us actually made a lot of efforts, so we shldnt forget the efforts by the rest of the flyers. oh well, this misunderstanding will always be there and it will never be cleared.

I have spent my past 1 yr 3 mths in alpha, disappointed that all these people whom used to be those so dearly to me can just changed over one night. having know me for so long, why are you all believing someone else instead of me when you all know she is very negative and will add in her own emotions and twig the story?! alpha, i am just simply too disappointed in you all. in this process i am hurt very badly, especially by chzehao. you are the one i thought who will understand all these and not be so judgemental, knowing me for the past 1 yr, this is how you treat me?! believing others and judging me being the one who created all these?!

it doesnt pay to be nice. my past contribution to alpha especially when during last holiday there is only one flyer and despite all the issues, i stayed on to help you all improve, but now this is what i get?! teach me how to be happy staying in the team when all these misunderstandings and awkwardness will forever be there?

and xiangyi, do you know how disappointed am i? being my boyfriend, at the time when i needed someone to stand up for me but you kept quiet despite knowing all the truth. this time im really badly wounded till the extent that i almost did foolish stuff. but luckily when i google :how to die peacefully, those suicidal prevention website popped up. maybe i just lack of the courage to leave this world because i dont want my parents to experience grieving.i know i sound dumb, but i really dont know how to continue living when suddenly the team i love most has turned it back on me. suddenly, im like living in total darkness alone, no light and no sound, just silence. no matter how hard you screamed, nobody seemed to care. after ytd's talk i cant help but cried the whole night and wake up with swollen eyes. unable to sleep. and i couldnt rmb how many times i cried today whenever i think of all these.

4 more months to nationals, i decided to stay on. not because of the team, because i no longer has any reason to stay for the team. is because of my last contribution to alpha, my last responsibility to alpha. for the friends i care, janyce and perle, for xiangyi, and for my beloved coaches who gave me all the opportunities, xingwei and xuewei. as for the rest, i have lost faith and hope alrd, i no longer know all of you, no longer know the alpha which i used to loved.

i hope that it will not be awkward or anything, we should be professional on mats. now im just goal oriented, i will hit all the stunts which coaches want me to hit, filling up the quota. it doesnt matter who im doing it with already, any flyers, any bases. i just want to hit all the stunts so that i can live up to coaches expectation. im no longer achieving this for alpha, im achieving all these for coaches. i will be happy, i will try to be happy. 4 months will be over very soon. =)

but in the midst, i want to find back the happy huilian again, not through alpha, but through other things like maybe volunteering. alpha, you are no longer my priority, goodbye. studies, families and friends will be my priorities. dont blame me for all these because my heart is scarred by you and it will never recover again.

*tata.

♥its going on 8:44:00 PM

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

What's your rationale? back at one

now this blog is only for me, me n me. i think after my MIA for so long, nobody will rmb tat i actually have a blog. but its ok. becoz a lot of things i cant share with others.

sometimes i just feel so tired. so tired of faking a smile, n being the person ppl wan to see. why am i torturing myself? perhaps, its just my character, i cannot stand ppl giving me the stares that i dont intended for.

i hate it when u r always showing off how great u are and all tat. i really dun wan to have any comparisons, but i really cannot stand it. i think i shall start exercising hard too. gonna go for a run regularly. i am so gonna go on diet. i shall cut down on my diet too. but currently, i simply have too many outings n i dun think i am able to do so. so e only thing i can do is to increase my exercising frequency. =) jyjy to me!!!

i dunno whether have i made the right decision to end our relationship. u just couldnt seem to understand the problems between us. but i have grown dependence on you. i hate myself!!! i need to set us free. please let me do so. let me noe u r living better without me. i just hoped that i have made the right choice.

i need to find a job soon. now i am jobless, only able to live off using my tuition pay. money going to run out super fast at this rate. Hui Lian, please dont be lazy n be determined to start finding for jobs!!! next mon, i shall go find job!!! n stop being so dependent on others. im sick and tired of waiting for things to happen, so i shall make things happen instead!!!

*tata.

♥its going on 4:08:00 PM