♥ The way you look at me.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

What's your rationale? The courage to give up, goodbye!

After a whole year of not blogging i suddenly have the urge to blog. this blog is so dead already so it's ok for me to just blog since there will be no other viewer other than myself.

It is just so disappointing that how things turned out. It is wrong to be nice? because people around me is feeling sad, janyce is feeling sad, so what i want to do is actually for her. i have been one of the limelight in alpha because of all the stunts that people want to try with me, so it doesnt really affect me at all. i questioned myself, why must i want to help others? why am i trying to be nice and wanting the world to change to a better one, then when i try to change, everything just backfired. and now i became the person whom everybody hated. the trouble maker. people are just gonna to judge me and label me. things will not be the same anymore. what happened to alpha love? so this is what i deserved?

Just disappointed more than anger i guess. why must weiting always be the one making things big?! why do you have to twig the story when you dont know what the whole issue is? and now it has became we jealous that alice is 39kg and that all the bases are stunting with her instead of us, but in actual fact, our intention is never this. we just want the bases to appreciate all other flyers as well because i believe all of us actually made a lot of efforts, so we shldnt forget the efforts by the rest of the flyers. oh well, this misunderstanding will always be there and it will never be cleared.

I have spent my past 1 yr 3 mths in alpha, disappointed that all these people whom used to be those so dearly to me can just changed over one night. having know me for so long, why are you all believing someone else instead of me when you all know she is very negative and will add in her own emotions and twig the story?! alpha, i am just simply too disappointed in you all. in this process i am hurt very badly, especially by chzehao. you are the one i thought who will understand all these and not be so judgemental, knowing me for the past 1 yr, this is how you treat me?! believing others and judging me being the one who created all these?!

it doesnt pay to be nice. my past contribution to alpha especially when during last holiday there is only one flyer and despite all the issues, i stayed on to help you all improve, but now this is what i get?! teach me how to be happy staying in the team when all these misunderstandings and awkwardness will forever be there?

and xiangyi, do you know how disappointed am i? being my boyfriend, at the time when i needed someone to stand up for me but you kept quiet despite knowing all the truth. this time im really badly wounded till the extent that i almost did foolish stuff. but luckily when i google :how to die peacefully, those suicidal prevention website popped up. maybe i just lack of the courage to leave this world because i dont want my parents to experience grieving.i know i sound dumb, but i really dont know how to continue living when suddenly the team i love most has turned it back on me. suddenly, im like living in total darkness alone, no light and no sound, just silence. no matter how hard you screamed, nobody seemed to care. after ytd's talk i cant help but cried the whole night and wake up with swollen eyes. unable to sleep. and i couldnt rmb how many times i cried today whenever i think of all these.

4 more months to nationals, i decided to stay on. not because of the team, because i no longer has any reason to stay for the team. is because of my last contribution to alpha, my last responsibility to alpha. for the friends i care, janyce and perle, for xiangyi, and for my beloved coaches who gave me all the opportunities, xingwei and xuewei. as for the rest, i have lost faith and hope alrd, i no longer know all of you, no longer know the alpha which i used to loved.

i hope that it will not be awkward or anything, we should be professional on mats. now im just goal oriented, i will hit all the stunts which coaches want me to hit, filling up the quota. it doesnt matter who im doing it with already, any flyers, any bases. i just want to hit all the stunts so that i can live up to coaches expectation. im no longer achieving this for alpha, im achieving all these for coaches. i will be happy, i will try to be happy. 4 months will be over very soon. =)

but in the midst, i want to find back the happy huilian again, not through alpha, but through other things like maybe volunteering. alpha, you are no longer my priority, goodbye. studies, families and friends will be my priorities. dont blame me for all these because my heart is scarred by you and it will never recover again.

*tata.

♥its going on 8:44:00 PM